This is the final and nineteenth part in a series, so if you have not already done so, you might want to read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI, Part XII, Part XIII, Part XIV, Part XV, Part XVI, Part XVII, and Part XVIII before continuing.
TW: suicide
Randy took me to Nikki’s apartment and led me to her bedroom – which, I guess is now their bedroom. The moment Nikki saw me, she jumped up and ran into my arms, wrapping her arms around my shoulders in one of those tight hugs I used to love so much.
For a moment, it was tempting to slip back into old habits. Let bygones be bygones. Try to revive what was left of our friendship.
But then I remembered what had brought us here. She had gone behind my back and slept with my boyfriend while pretending to be my best friend. If I let her back into my life, she would just do it all again.
There was only one way to end this, but I had to tread carefully.
Nikki sobbed on my shoulder for a while, and I let her cry herself out, waiting for my moment. It finally came when she said, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to keep living after this.”
“I know the feeling.”
She pulled back. “When did you have a miscarriage?”
“Not the feeling of having a miscarriage. I know what it’s like to want to die. I got as far as walking in front of a car in the hopes it would hit me, but the car wasn’t going fast enough. It had plenty of time to stop, and then my neighbor pulled me out of the street.”
“When was this?”
“Right after the last time I talked to you.”
At least she had the decency to look ashamed. “I was afraid you’d never want to speak to me again after you found out.”
“I didn’t. But this is bigger than that. Just because you were the reason I wanted to die doesn’t mean you deserve this.” It was a lie, but a useful lie.
She curled in on herself and laid her head on my lap. “Maybe I do,” she said softly. “Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mother.”
I wasn’t about to argue with that (out loud at least), so I just stroked her hair while she came to her own conclusions.
After a few minutes she said, “What made you decide on…”
“On what? Ending my life?”
“On the method.”
“Oh. I didn’t. I was upset. I was walking. I came to the intersection. I kept walking. Honestly, I did surprise myself with that one. I had always thought that, if I were to kill myself, it would be with something gentler, even if it’s just slitting my wrists in the bathtub.”
I looked around the bedroom until my eyes landed on the perfect scapegoat. “Or sleeping pills,” I continued. “I always thought death should be like falling asleep, and with a bunch of sleeping pills, isn’t that what would happen? You’d just nod off into the deepest, most relaxing sleep of all. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
Nikki nodded, but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t move, although I could see her eyes darting over to the nightstand where the bottle of pills stood.
I kept stroking her hair. And I shut up. If I pushed too hard it would be obvious what I was trying to do. I had pointed her in the right direction and given her a nudge. That was all I could do. She would have to find her own way from here or this would never work.
“I think I would like to sleep now,” she said after a few minutes.
“Do you want me to stay with you until you fall asleep, or would you rather I leave?”
“You can leave. But thanks for offering. And thanks for coming.” She gave me another big hug, and I returned it. Knowing this was the last time I would see her alive made me feel generous.
Once in the hallway, I closed the door behind me, but left it open just a crack. Just enough so I could see the nightstand without being obvious that I was watching the nightstand.
Sure enough, Nikki opened the bottle of pills, upended it over her palm, and swallowed the contents in one go. I had always admired her ability to do that. I always needed plenty of water to help coax pills down my throat, but not Nikki.
I resisted the urge to smile at my success, since Randy could appear around a corner at any moment, and I couldn’t afford for him to see my happiness right now.
Instead, I made my way through the hall and out the door as quietly as I could. It wasn’t until I was two blocks away that I let my mouth split into a wide grin, and even then I lifted the collar of my shirt to hide the smile. After all, I didn’t want anyone to think I was some sort of maniac.
The end.