This is the third part in a series, so if you have not already done so, you might want to read Part I and Part II before continuing.
TW: Suicide attempt, self-harm
I left the park.
I don’t know where I went.
I just knew I was too angry to sit still.
So I walked.
I alternated between sobbing and screaming as I walked.
I raged at Randy and Nikki.
I told them I wanted them dead.
People gave me a wide berth on the sidewalk.
I was glad for it. I wanted to tell them they should be afraid of me.
I had never been this angry before.
I had never felt so betrayed.
My best friend and my boyfriend.
The two people I trusted most in the world.
If they could do this to me, then I couldn’t trust anyone.
If I couldn’t trust anyone, where did that leave me? What kind of a life is that?
Even I wasn’t sure what I would do next, so the people around me should definitely be wary of how unpredictable I was in this moment.
It turns out I was willing to go further than I had ever thought I would.
I went to cross a street.
I saw a car coming and I kept walking into the street.
I didn’t know what I was doing.
I mean, I did know what I was doing, but I didn’t want to do it. I just couldn’t stop myself. It felt like someone else had taken control of my body and all I could do was watch.
The car slammed on the brakes. It didn’t even touch me, but rather than scoot out of the way and cry with relief like a sane person would have done, I stood in the street and screamed at the driver, who laid on the horn.
I couldn’t blame him, but I was too angry to care. I told him he should run me over. I dared him to do so. I told him a real man would floor it.
I was still screaming like a crazy person when I felt someone grab me and yank me out of the street, at which point I started to sob with relief. Thank God someone had been able to save me from myself.
To be continued…