Nag: Part I

Doug reached for the cake, but his wife pulled it away from him. “You haven’t eaten your salad yet,” she said.

“What am I, a toddler?”

“You’d think so, given the tantrum you throw every time I try to get you to eat your veggies.”

“I’m a grown man. I can have cake if I want.”

“Yes, you can. After you’ve eaten your salad.”

“Life is short. Eat dessert first.”

“Your life will be shorter if you don’t eat your salad.”

“Who wants a long life without cake?”

“You can have your cake. You just have to eat something healthy first.”

“Why are you always nagging me?”

“Because I care about you. Look. I’m eating my salad, so I’ll be around for a while. I would prefer to spend those extra years with you. You know they say women tend to live longer than men anyway. If I eat my salad and you go straight for the cake, then I’ll have even more years to live without you. Do you really want that for me?” She batted her eyelashes in a picture of innocence.

Doug was unmoved. “I want my cake.”

Doris giggled. “You’re being such a big baby. Why don’t you just eat your salad and then your cake? Come on. Eat like a big boy.” She used baby talk for the last two sentences, prompting her husband to glare at her, which only made Doris laugh.

“You know they also say married men live longer than single me.”

“That’s true. And why do you think that is?”

“It isn’t. It just feels like it.”

Doris laughed. “Oh Doug, if you would just eat your salad instead of arguing with me, you could be eating your cake right now.”

“Yeah, but now it’s been too long. The salad’s gone cold. There’s nothing worse than a salad that’s gone cold.”

Doris laughed, then turned mock serious and said, “Don’t make me pull out the airplane.”

Doug tried to glare at her some more, but one side of his mouth kept curling up into a smile.

“You don’t scare me. I can see that smile you’re trying to hide.”

Doug scowled harder. “I am not smiling! I’m having a stroke.”

“Well, that’s too bad. Especially since it never would have happened if you had eaten your salad, now, would it?”

Doug gave up and ate his salad, but he insisted on being grumpy about it for the rest of the night.

To be continued…

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