I’m not sure how I stumbled on this collection of essays edited by Roxane Gay, but somehow I found the audiobook in my library’s collection. It was readily available, so I went ahead and borrowed it and started listening.
For the audiobook, each author reads their own essay, which I really appreciated, especially since they were all really good narrators. I just wish we had gotten an essay from Gay, but I guess she (and/or the publisher) felt like she’s talked about her experience enough, and she did write (and narrate) the introduction.
In the introduction, Gay mentions the fact that, despite how horrific her experience with rape was, every time she hears a story from a woman who suffered something worse, Gay thinks what she went through wasn’t really that bad.
Apparently, that’s a common thread that runs through victims of sexual assault. Everyone who experienced sexual harassment thinks it wasn’t that bad because she wasn’t raped. Everyone who was raped at knifepoint thinks it wasn’t that bad because she wasn’t raped at gunpoint, etc.
I appreciated the diversity of experiences covered in this book. It includes stories by women who were raped at gunpoint, women who were held down, but still blame themselves because they “didn’t fight hard enough”, and women who were never raped, but still have stories of when men crossed the line because they knew they could – they exposed themselves to women, or they blatantly rubbed their dick against a young girl’s backside in an arcade. The stories of harassment might not be as bad as the stories of the women who were raped, but they’re still bad. They still make it clear that women exist to please men sexually, and that men can take that pleasure wherever, whenever they want – and they do.
I also appreciated that this collection includes an essay by a transgender woman talking about her experience having been raped by a cisgender lesbian, which led her to do some internet research and discover that fetishizing lesbian women with male parts is a thing and not that uncommon. I appreciated the diversity and the fact that it demonstrated that rape isn’t always between a cis-gender woman and a cis-gender man.
Another woman had a horrific story about how painful it was for her to have sex, but she never said no because society had so successfully beat into her the idea that she should want sex – no matter what. And when she said no, her boyfriend didn’t talk to her for the rest of the day because society had taught him that he was entitled to sex. That’s what girlfriends are for, aren’t they?
Yet another woman didn’t talk about her rape at all. She made it clear that she had been raped, and that she used to talk about it, but she no longer does because of the way people react when she tells them. She goes on to describe several different ways people have reacted (including “at least you’re still alive”, which must be super comforting after surviving and revealing such an ordeal). So, it’s completely understandable why she never talks about it and that essay was super powerful and beautifully written.
I’m not going to lie and say this audiobook was easy to listen to, but it is very powerful and an important read for everyone.