Photo credit: David Davies via Foter.com / CC BY-SA
Are we all settled? Excellent. Then I’ll begin.
Today’s lecture addresses something that concerns all of us. As many of you have noted, women everywhere have been demanding to be treated with the same respect as men. Now, I know this is very upsetting, but I’m here to tell you not to be concerned. There are many ways that we can keep women in their rightful place without letting them realize that’s what we’re doing. I’ll be outlining just a few of those ways in this lecture. Feel free to use whichever ones you feel comfortable with and come up with new ones as you see fit. Remember, each woman is different and each situation is different, so one tactic won’t always have the same effect.
There is one main tool at our disposal, but it can be broken up into two parts: compliments and criticisms. Let’s start on a high note with compliments, shall we? Compliments should be given only to reinforce desired behaviors and appearance. You can compliment her body, her outfit, her hair, you get the idea. The vast majority of the compliments a woman receives should be regarding her appearance.
If you like the way a woman’s home looks, or if she cooks or bakes something, be sure to compliment that. Scorn is always to be given to those who don’t make food from scratch. TV dinners and mixes that come out of a box are to be discouraged as lazy, unhealthy, even dangerous.
Compliments should also be given to women for being “nice.” Make sure they want to be liked by implying they’ll be ostracized if people don’t like them. Compliment them for being quiet, thoughtful, polite, and above all, self-sacrificing. A true woman puts others’ needs before her own. Always remember that and make sure they remember that.
Compliments are never to be given for a woman’s intelligence or hard work. Housework is not work. Any woman who stays home full time is not contributing fairly to the household. Rather, she is taking advantage of the easy life afforded by her relationship with a man.
I think it should go without saying that any men who do housework should also be scorned and derided as much as possible. Scorning the quality of their housework is even better. If we make women believe a man couldn’t possibly do their jobs as well as a woman can, it will make them smug, and as a result, they’ll be more satisfied with their place in the home.
As far as criticisms go, it’s getting harder to criticize a woman’s intelligence outright, but there are ways around that. We can still question related attributes, such as ambition and persistence. A woman’s only ambitions should be to get married, have children, and make their lives as comfortable as possible. Now I don’t think I have to tell you it’s no longer acceptable to say these things outright, but there are plenty of ways to imply them.
For example, when a woman shows ambition in her career, always be sure to question the state of her family life. If she has kids, ask where they are. Who’s taking care of them? Remember no one can care for a child like his mother can and make sure she remembers it. If she’s married, ask when she’s having kids. Not if. I cannot stress this enough, you must always ask when she and her husband will be starting a family of their own.
If she is unmarried, imply that focusing on her career and not making time for a man in her life will leave her a lonely old spinster. Key words and phrases to use here are as follows: spinster; cat lady (crazy cat lady is even better); alone; lonely; and die alone. Do whatever you can to make these outcomes sound as miserable as possible. For a woman, being single doesn’t mean freedom, it means loneliness and rejection and it’s our job to remind them of that.
Women who are persistent are stubborn. Word choice is also key here, because persistence gets you places, but those who are stubborn are just beating their heads against a brick wall. The phrase “stubborn as a mule” can be used to emphasize the undesirable nature of this particular trait when talking about stubborn women.
Finally, our secret weapon: the word “bitch.” This word is God’s gift to man because it hurts them like no other word can, and to make it even better, it’s a word that cannot be overused. It never loses its potency. Use it freely any time you like with any woman who appears to be overstepping her bounds. Saying it to her face is always effective, but sometimes it can be more effective to call her a bitch behind her back to her friends and coworkers, especially other women, and I cannot emphasize this enough: calling another woman a bitch for doing something she shouldn’t is one of the most effective ways to make sure other women behave as they should. Call another woman a bitch for being too loud, and the women you’re addressing will nod and agree and immediately question whether they’ve ever been too loud. Better yet, you can turn the women against each other and that’s the goldmine. Make sure they’re too busy fighting with each other to have time to think about what you’re doing or how their infighting is holding them back.
Finally, there’s derision. When a woman gets angry, nothing infuriates her more than not being taken seriously, so that’s exactly what we must refuse to do: take her seriously. Laugh at her. Make fun of her. Call her cute. It’s getting less acceptable to blame it on PMS, but it’s still safe enough to try that one. She won’t have a comeback and you’ll undermine her to everyone in sight.
Now, as I said, these are just a few ideas of the ways we can halt women’s progress, while at the same time, avoid being called sexist or misogynistic. Criticism is a great tool for doing this, because it keeps them on the offensive. If you think a woman is starting to catch on to what you’re doing, just pull out that trusty word and you won’t have anything else to worry about.
Any questions?
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